predator's face n. A somewhat unsettling vagina. From the film 'Predator' starring Arnold Schw-arzenegger. She had a pu55y like a predators face.
one point five n. A toiletry visit product that falls somewhere between a number one and a number two. A runny shit. Or more rarely a lumpy piss.
Hershey highwayman n. US. An ass bandit.
finger of fudge n. The consequences of breaching the hull.
A donkey's yawn. A fanny like a bucket.
A wank. A Palmela Handerson A 5 knuckle shuffle
squeeze the lemon v. Of women, to urinate. Possibly onto a pancake.
wash the cosh v. To polish the love truncheon.
flaccid flashback n. A ghastly, inappropriate, unerotic memory, eg. nan burping after eating too much stuffing, topless uncle mowing the lawn, Olive off 'On The Buses', that pops into one's head during sex, causing one to deflate like Richard Branson's balloon.
conkers deep adj. Balls and all.
Thursday, 9 September 2010
Sickipedia.org
Last night I told my girlfriend she was crap at oral sex.
Didn't go down well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.
He said, "Grandson... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Scottish, born to squeeze sacks and blow pipes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do asians do when the have an erections?
same as us, They vote.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Didn't go down well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.
He said, "Grandson... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Scottish, born to squeeze sacks and blow pipes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do asians do when the have an erections?
same as us, They vote.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday, 25 August 2010
PG
I would hate to embarrass you . .
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
DUDE. YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO FART TO COVER UP THE SMELL OF SWEAT
ITS NOT ROCKET SURGERY!
I'M ABOUT 112% SURE. DUDE.
I DON'T COME DOWN TO YOUR MOM's STRIP CLUB AND TELL HER HOW TO DO HER JOB
I WILL ACTUALLY STAB YOU IF YOU DO
HE WOULD ACTUALLY STAB A BABY
IT DOESNT WORK ON TUESDAYS! OR WHEN THERE IS A FULL MOON.
Oh, Im Sorry For Talking While Your Trying To Interupt Me!!!!!
I CANT NOT NOT WIN
HE HAS GONE FISHING ON BROKE BACK MOUNTAIN
VERY GOOD!
She's got a face made for radio
Show me the law that says I can't
That went done like a lead balloon
That 'girllll'. Was she pre or post op?
Have you been eating shit?
Eh, so whats your favourite flavour of crisps
What is the pull-through potential
well done, you're learning
hello sugar puff!
he's not homeless he's just moving!
hello honey bunny!
Listen dork!
Listen dweeb
Eh OK, Right Said Fred
Listen jerk-Off
Ok Geek. Should I log a ticket?
Oh this. This here. This is my medal..
did it hurt when they removed your brain?
Why did I do that? Jesus told me to
Everything time you do that Jesus kills a small child
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else
Oh this. My reward for spanking your mother with a hairbrush
I'll take your most expensive thing mixed with your second most expensive thing!
Pllinggg! Idea!
as a kid I wanted to be a butcher.... but the steaks were too high
Your handy work I imagine?
Training gets Harder every week but its Money in the BANK COME SUNDAY MORN
For fcuk sake. I'm not running for Jesus..
Infact. Its frowned upon if you DON'T
ZZZIINNNGGGGG!
Best Valentines line? if i was dog and you were a flower i'd lift my leg and give you a shower
Ah, yeah very good..I like what you did there..very good. a joke.
Use your mate...I'm sure you'll get a nice hollow sound
Jaysus, you're a MASTER DEBATOR, you know that
the master of disaster
Don't make out like I'M the crazy one
Its filed in my comedy folder
Eh OK, yes Grandad!
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
Smell? Maybe its because your mouth is too close to your nose
Ask grumpy over there
did you make that up yourself, very good mate very good..
Wounded mate, wounded
Forrest Hump
Tight as a flea's gash...refuses to splash tha cash
Listen DOUCHE BAG!
Such hateful material
Are you a doctor? Then you are not exactly a credible source are you?
More powerful than Jordan's vibrator
Inspect Her Gadget
Weapons of ass destruction
Cum And Cummer
Chitty Chitty Gang Bang
Clitty Clitty Bang Bang
Charlie's Anals
Big Trouble In Little Vagina
Eh OK, yes Hitler, anything else, shower some Jews maybe!
That's either an extremely good cheese or a very bad smell!
You've got 2 more chances to speak about your pain in the ___ before I smack you in the face.
Use them wisely.
You've only got one question left. use it wisely punk.
There's a Muslim paedophile living under your child's bed. Vote Conservative
Don't knock sex with old people. They are more experienced and they will tidy your room and make
you dinner afterwards
Everytime you open your mouth, you prove your an idiot!
Thanks for your input there John
Is it GAy DAy or something today
that was a beautiful song......until you fucking sang it
Excuses are like assholes, Taylor. Everybody's got one.
They have found dinosaur fossils younger than Norman!
WTF! That is against nature!
I got bruises on top of my bruises.
When she was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped her mother...whih tish
if I had feelings they'd be hurt right now
Because, Every time I fuck your sister she gives me a biscuit!
Yea, But Your Moma Likes It and that's all that matters to me
That's all I've got on that one!
My gran loves that...only joking she's dead!
You should have been aborted do you know that
she looks like a lesbian jockey
can i get the cash equivalent
That's all I'm saying
This conversation has been terminated!
OK RAIN MAN 100 dollllaaarrrsss, um yep, i'd say 100 dollllaaarrrsss
That's either a very bad smell or a REALLY good cheese!
You're a world class wanker.
You're kinda going..
that's worse than hitler
what seems to be the officer,.... problem......
Well, I can give you nectar points
I didn't know Iceland. did clothing
Is there anything on the internet that you can't masturbate to
Congratulations on passing your test..you have HIV
Are you from Narnia
A Mr. Ji Had called..He said its time.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
Well techically I do have a fucking disability..fucking Tourettes! Now go fuck yourself you
c*nt!
Don't knock sex with old people. They are more experienced and they will tidy your room and make
you dinner afterwards
How many? 100 million thousand million
Manchester City have sold Shaun Wright-Phillips to Madonna
Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your
dick...Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started.
Your girlfriend thinks you have the biggest cock she has ever seen yes. Because she's only 11
brought to you by Powergen
giggdy giggdy,..back in the game
Vegetarians..If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of meat
I'll tell you what's ironic to see a group of pro-lifers throwing eggs at an abortion clinic
A man goes into a library and says to the librarian, 'Hello, I'd like to get a book on suicide?'
to which the librarian responds 'no, fuck off you! I know you won't bring it back.'
Statsistics can be used to prove anything. Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang
rape!
Statsistics can be used to prove anything. 64% of people know that
Here, listen Fritzl..take it easy
You're unusually busy for such a lazy cnut!
You're unusually nice for such a cnut!
He is hung like a horse..yeah, a sea horse
Josef Fritzil: Putting the 'semen' back into 'basement'.
You're about as much use as Anne Frank's drum kit.
There's more action in Anne Frank's diary
Anne Franke had a busier schedule than you mate
I had a German plumber round the other day to fix my shower. He accidentally connected the gas
supply to the water supply. I guess old habits die hard.
I woke up this morning early to a tap on my door.... Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
He takes pride in his appearance..yeah, gay pride!
Its for me. Yeah, gay men.
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the
windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, 'Don't
worry; that was an insect.' To which, her son replies, 'I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a
cock like that.'
Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez. It was
his naughty brother Dennis they were after.
sheep under his arm to wife - 'This is the pig I have sex with when your not well' - His wife
replies, 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.' To which he replies 'I wasn't talking to you'
I rang the Rape Advise hotline the other day..and get this, apparently its only for victims!
Priests/Paedophiles are fucking immature assholes
Its got real comedy value
Did you hear the alzheimer's joke about changing a lightbulb?...To get to the other side.
Why don't black people go on cruises? They're not falling for that one again.
I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance.So
I pushed her and she fell over.. Bad balance I told her. Very bad balance.
Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow but fuck me the
pass the parcel was quick..
Why??? Because Jesus told me to
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
How do you get a fat girl into bed? ..Its a piece of cake..if shes really fat a forklift
A man walks into a petrol station and says 'Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?' The lady behind
the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat,
you fat bitch.'
Its not you, its having to talk to you.
Jaysus, they look a bit tight..someone call the firebrigade, he's stuck
Two cannibals eating a clown.One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?'
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating
fireworks.They charged one and let the other one off.
Has the syphillis cleared up
He can't make it he is having his penis pierced
He can't make it he is going for a manicure
I remember in college I wass going to join the debating team but someone talked me out of it
I read somewhere that 10 out of 2 dyslexics don't believe in dog
Standing in the park today wondering why a frisbee appears larger the closer it gets...and then
it hit me!
When I was born they asked me if I wanted a long penis or a long memory..i forget my response
I hated math..i failed math so many times I cant even count
such an ugly kid...When he played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering him up
I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea, you never get the tea
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said,'Can you spare a few
minutes for cancer research?'' I said, 'All right, but I doubt we are going to get much done
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork..!!
Whens the last time you saw your cock?
I have mixed race parents. My dad prefers the 100 metres and my mum is Pakistani
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: I'd like a job please. The hardware store owner says:
We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus? The dog replies: What would the circus want with a
plumber
It's easy to distract fat/nick people. It's a piece of cake
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little
seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that
She has no knickers on..look at the dandruff on her shoes
He only has online friends - ladylover79 and sweetlips69
Do you-ah like-ah my-ah .. //Italian
Bros before hoes, bro
Do it!
Fat girl into bed, piece of cake
Stevie wonder didnt see the point
A big nail reuires a big hammer
Playing snooker with a rope
Its bad, like booing at the special olympics
That's how I roll dude
You have never had sex, not even with a catholic priest
Have you looked in the mirror lately mate
The beer tatstes ok but the barmaids a bit flat
Yah, I know
Provide a solution to a problem others didn’t even know existed
He practiced sex on his sister up until now
Job done mate!
Go hang out with your online friends
How do you explain this to your online girlfriend
In there like swimwear
George Michael just called, he wants you in the toilet in five!" )
Have you ever spoken to a girl without having to away your credit card details
The last time you touched female genitalia was when you born
See that, that you that is
You were treading water with lead boots on until I came over and rescued you mate
Take it easy there Jenna, you're not in stringfellows now
You ruined everything, but thats fine
I don't mind looking like a prick, but when you start..
I'm not telling you how to do your job but,..
Rest assured, your job is under no threat..
You can take the special needs chair
Statistically, 9 out of 10 people in a gang rape enjoyed it
I bet you she's a teabagger
Are you looking for a round house scissor kick to the head
Wow, you must produce a lot of milk
Why do you dress as if you work in the carphone warehouse
If I wanted your opinion I'd ask for it
it may be a choclate bar, but 9 times out of ten its a shit
porer-than-ghandi-cut throat
How is your Chlamydia problem going?
Is that a grizzly bear over there
Nice suit..how was court today
Hi-5. Am I right guys.Am I right
I have to do all this. What is this a marriage?!
Its like shit logs floating around a nice swimming pool
He's from the little bentcock area
Mate, I get taxed more than you earn
You know people have been killed for less
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand
i'd kill for a noble peace prize
Police siren -He won't sell many ice creams at that speed
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception
As I said before, I never repeat myself
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake
If I were a betting man I'd bet
Ding Ding!
Anyone who informs me how to .. will be rewarded!
You're wasting my minutes
I hear the circus is looking for a new clown
Its like a holding pen for the Jeremy kyle show
I have mixed race parents, my mother prefers the 100 metres and my fathers Ghanian
What's the matter robot, not have aenough RAM to process that
Bitch, please!
Would heI, he'd stab a baby for the chance
You're so far in the closet you're having adventures in Narnia.
I get so much action.. I need to grow a new d*ck
When I'm doing that , you'll be at home putting on your lipstick and your frilly little pink
dress
Its not you, its having to talk to you.
While I have your attention I'd like to take this time to talk to you about Jesus..He was
actually born on Christmas and died 3 months later exactly on Easter, what are the chances of that
Eh ok, Pontius Pilot!
They just don't go..Its like an Amish lad that works in IT
She did more sucking than Lewinsky. Hey, slow down there Lewinsky
Check out Hannibal Lector! Well hello Clarece its good to see you again
That was a really funny story man..do you have time to tell me again!
So long suckers!
Not with that attitude you wont
Holy Shit, Is that a grizzly bear!
Could you stop now. Youre boring me
Check out mooseknucle over there!
Yeah about 0.0%
Why dont you tell someone who cares
You dont want to go too close, you might get pulled in by his sexual tractor beam
listen penis breath
Your husband is a lucky man
OK, you are boring me now
Do you have to be at a reunion for the McDickhead Clan or somethin
That's how you lost your job at greggs bakery
That's how you lost your job at morissons
his favorite movie is, clitty, clitty bang bang
if you could lower your voice to just below mute, that would be great
I think I should send you back to Diplomacy school
When somebody more intelligent and better looking than you should have more respect
There's a party in my pants and you are on the guest list..you made the cut, well done
Computer says nahohh
I have many more. I'll educate you one day, but you are not ready yet. You'll know when you
are.
well statistically speaking you are more likely to die from a piano falling on your head
Those types of skills just can't be thought
why dont we ask the internet
It would be a lie to pretend I was massively dissapointed
I sure havent
that joke, why dont you email it to me
even steve hawkins would struggle I cant do this
I must say I find you very sexually attractive
ok, yoda
can u mind not standing so close in case your titties explode
ok, jabah da hut
ginger pubes, fire in the hole
He's got Star Trek Wallpaper I bet
He's a member of the star trek chess society
State your agenda
Yeah, we are going to get t-shirts made
Would it be rude for me to call you a cnut
Would it be rude for me to just leave
Not with that attitude you wont
___ is for losers
youre not taking the looser cruiser are you!?
Its game over, end of the line
he is something of a BIKE-sexual
As soon as he arrived, then came the boyfriend drop
You know I may be away that day
I was on auto-pilot
Ok, back to work mode
Those good folks over at ___
Hes pretty much achieved all his life goals now
El Zilcho!
She was eating a big tub of butter
Its so hot, the butter in my pocket is melting
so I was feeding the pony right
Its like having a white manin the 100M final or a Black olympic swimmer..not gonna happen!
That reminds me, How are the anger management classes working out for you?
George Michael just called, he wants his shirt/jeans/shoes back
He's a sex tourist
Who's your mate???
Its a penis party in there
He sprinkles glitter on his penis and dances around his apartment
We are now just mocking a disability
Unfortunately, I think there is very little we can do to help you
When I said I was a positive person I meant HIV
I'd rather wank off a dog to be honest
He got so excited a little bit of wee came out
Was that a euphemism
It was a cartoon spinning on the spot
There was a cartoon trail of smoke
That was a cartoon laugh/cough
That was a comedy laugh/cough
Kaaahh lick
zzzzzzzuuummmm...'next!'
Have you always been a cock or did you have to take classes for that. A+ I bet, top of the
class
Take it easy there Ghandi
Who are your friends???
He's so cheap it kills him to breath out
Your knees and throat must be sore after all that
Unsubscribe
Exit signs..... they're on the way out..
I haven't slept for 10 days...that would be far too long
slow down their eminiem, no need to rap it to me
It says here it will be 12 Microsoft minutes, that could be several years
i want your privates and my privates to do a hi-5
WHY would you do that
he's the fluffer
thats remarkably honest for such a liar
you did what now..
dont have me give you an uppercut in the eye
yeah Thursday, you know the day before friday and after Wednesday
yeah 9, you know the number before 10 and after 8
welcome to the club..wait it says here youve been a member since 1995
she is so fat the japense have been patrolling outside..they think she may be a whale
take it easy punk
you greedy little gobblin
alright ebeneezer
you know that is like stealling
it couldn't have happened to a nicer person..
I see what you are trying to do there..
whos your friend
fo shizzzlleee
my powers persuasion have failed me, damn you magic ring
hey there truth witholder
when i said i was a positive person, i meant HIV
that can be arranged
thanks, i'm going to treat you to a cup of coffee
alright fluffer, how you bin?
slow down there hammer, i'm not chinese
its hammer time
take it easy SA
its not that kind of party buddy
dude, what the fook
yeah sure felatio, sure
place was full of vampires
all the serial killers are out tonight
listen sex offender ..
who's the sex tourist
did u video tape that shit
its gravy baby..
its rick james, biiihhhttcchh
slown down hammer
listen punk
little dweeb
that's how I roll.
he's a premature ejaculator, thats what he is
I'm just sayin, ..
you need to blow your nose, you got some serious bats in the cave
the closest you have been to a girl is smelling my fingers mate
best get him a stab vest
I have hoes in different area codes
in your face ___o
it was like he was planning the invasion of communist cuba
even Jason Bourne would have struggled
if killing yourself was free, he'd kill himself
he is so mean he refuses to breath out
Thank you andddddd good night
BAM, BAM BAM, BAM
well done, youve narrowed it down to more than half
have you been intercepting my mail
eh, not likely
commence the biginator
Big pimpin'
..I personally believe, like such as, the Iraq & the South Africa!
Bender: Fry, of all the friends I've had... you're the first..
a woman like that you gotta romance first!
Only 3 days, thats like almost tomorrow!
Maybe 5 bucks would refresh my memory..
Well I think you are underreacting..
well, There's a lesson here for all of us..
lies make baby Jsesus cry
i'll never get that time back again
thats almost a compliment
its made from kangaroo scrotum
i don't have a problem do you have a problem
but unfortunately I had grumpy with me?
but the world is not going to end tomorrow is it
would u say she works the pole?
I actually had more..but go ahead!
opening with a joke might have helped
do you want me to lie?
i won't let the truth get in the way of a good story, carry-on
its a feature not a problem
come on anchor
tramp stamp
peasantvision
just checking my spam
smellcheck my clothes
stripper wallet
clicking teeth
I'd be STUPID NOT to
Oh, how selfish of me. Lets do all the things you want to do..
They've done studies, you know...
It's a formidable scent... It stings the nostrils. In a good way..
You are a smelly pirate hooker..
Why don't you go back to your home on Whore/Gay Island? ..
I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you
don't, send it right back. I want to be on you...
I'm kind of a big deal. .. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich
mahogany...
Sky rockets in flight / Afternoon delight...
We lost a lot of good men out there..
I'm very aroused right now..
Jesus, Focker. It's just a game..
Does somebody need a hug?..
Pressure's for tyres..
I no longer puke when I drink. I puke when I don't..
And who are you, Alan Einstein?..
Hi... not you... hi..
Thats 7 minutes of my life that I'm never going to get back..
You don't not hear me complaning.
I'm not allowed to ... court order
It's very homo-erotic
I’ve seen lines move faster in a sperm bank
Its a criminal offence to..
I guess you worded it differently though..
School of Cokc But it stars Jack Black Cokc..
it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore
I knew there was an important piece of information to mention..
Fake!
Terrible service around here
Ok Molly Menopause
Ah ok, so that explains the..
oooooohhhh
well, wup dee doooo
Thank you. We are all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
Ahhh...I see the know-it-all fairy has visited us again.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
Do I look like a people person?
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
Oh I get it... like a joke... but less funny.
You’re as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit
He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician
As funny as a burning orphanage
I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes
She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn
Sweatin' like a pedophile in a Barney suit
A mickey the size of a 2 litre bottle of coke
Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche
Mother Teresa wouldn’t kiss her with gloves on
A sniper wouldn't take her out
Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle
If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one
She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked piss off a nettle
She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede
If I'd a garden full of Mickey’s I wouldn't let her look over the wall
My made up friends, made up sister..
Yes, I do accept cheques..
That's the saltiest thing I ever tasted, and I once ate a big heaping bowl of salt.
Too much work. Let's we burn it and *say* we dumped it in the sewer.
That's what she said. Whooooo!
Brannigan's law is like Brannigan's love - hard and fast.
Oh, I always feared he would run off like this. Why? WHY? WHY didn't I break his legs?
Fry, of all the friends I've had... you're the first.
Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her during the commercial.
You can't keep blaming yourself, Marge. Just blame yourself once and get on with life.
You can't spell'dishonest'without'honest'
You help me, and I, in turn,I am helped by you!
That's the last time I trust the strangest people on Earth.
Once the sun goes down, all the weirdoes turn crazy!
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!
I hope I didn't brain my damage.
what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
probably the best person I know
Gaaawwwwwsssshhhhhh
it was fine til you came in
you are entitled to your opinion but its wrong
You can't keep blaming yourself.Just blame yourself once and get on with life.
Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 72% percent of people know that.
If I'm laughing at what I think I am, it's very funny...
what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
if by _ you mean __ then _ then i know what you mean
you would need to be an astrophysicist..
Really. Is there anything the internet cannot do?
How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb? Ah come will ya.. It's noh dat darrrk!
No Karol is not a girls name...People with low IQs and Dyslexia always make that mistake, don't feel embarrassed..
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
DUDE. YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO FART TO COVER UP THE SMELL OF SWEAT
ITS NOT ROCKET SURGERY!
I'M ABOUT 112% SURE. DUDE.
I DON'T COME DOWN TO YOUR MOM's STRIP CLUB AND TELL HER HOW TO DO HER JOB
I WILL ACTUALLY STAB YOU IF YOU DO
HE WOULD ACTUALLY STAB A BABY
IT DOESNT WORK ON TUESDAYS! OR WHEN THERE IS A FULL MOON.
Oh, Im Sorry For Talking While Your Trying To Interupt Me!!!!!
I CANT NOT NOT WIN
HE HAS GONE FISHING ON BROKE BACK MOUNTAIN
VERY GOOD!
She's got a face made for radio
Show me the law that says I can't
That went done like a lead balloon
That 'girllll'. Was she pre or post op?
Have you been eating shit?
Eh, so whats your favourite flavour of crisps
What is the pull-through potential
well done, you're learning
hello sugar puff!
he's not homeless he's just moving!
hello honey bunny!
Listen dork!
Listen dweeb
Eh OK, Right Said Fred
Listen jerk-Off
Ok Geek. Should I log a ticket?
Oh this. This here. This is my medal..
did it hurt when they removed your brain?
Why did I do that? Jesus told me to
Everything time you do that Jesus kills a small child
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else
Oh this. My reward for spanking your mother with a hairbrush
I'll take your most expensive thing mixed with your second most expensive thing!
Pllinggg! Idea!
as a kid I wanted to be a butcher.... but the steaks were too high
Your handy work I imagine?
Training gets Harder every week but its Money in the BANK COME SUNDAY MORN
For fcuk sake. I'm not running for Jesus..
Infact. Its frowned upon if you DON'T
ZZZIINNNGGGGG!
Best Valentines line? if i was dog and you were a flower i'd lift my leg and give you a shower
Ah, yeah very good..I like what you did there..very good. a joke.
Use your mate...I'm sure you'll get a nice hollow sound
Jaysus, you're a MASTER DEBATOR, you know that
the master of disaster
Don't make out like I'M the crazy one
Its filed in my comedy folder
Eh OK, yes Grandad!
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
Smell? Maybe its because your mouth is too close to your nose
Ask grumpy over there
did you make that up yourself, very good mate very good..
Wounded mate, wounded
Forrest Hump
Tight as a flea's gash...refuses to splash tha cash
Listen DOUCHE BAG!
Such hateful material
Are you a doctor? Then you are not exactly a credible source are you?
More powerful than Jordan's vibrator
Inspect Her Gadget
Weapons of ass destruction
Cum And Cummer
Chitty Chitty Gang Bang
Clitty Clitty Bang Bang
Charlie's Anals
Big Trouble In Little Vagina
Eh OK, yes Hitler, anything else, shower some Jews maybe!
That's either an extremely good cheese or a very bad smell!
You've got 2 more chances to speak about your pain in the ___ before I smack you in the face.
Use them wisely.
You've only got one question left. use it wisely punk.
There's a Muslim paedophile living under your child's bed. Vote Conservative
Don't knock sex with old people. They are more experienced and they will tidy your room and make
you dinner afterwards
Everytime you open your mouth, you prove your an idiot!
Thanks for your input there John
Is it GAy DAy or something today
that was a beautiful song......until you fucking sang it
Excuses are like assholes, Taylor. Everybody's got one.
They have found dinosaur fossils younger than Norman!
WTF! That is against nature!
I got bruises on top of my bruises.
When she was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped her mother...whih tish
if I had feelings they'd be hurt right now
Because, Every time I fuck your sister she gives me a biscuit!
Yea, But Your Moma Likes It and that's all that matters to me
That's all I've got on that one!
My gran loves that...only joking she's dead!
You should have been aborted do you know that
she looks like a lesbian jockey
can i get the cash equivalent
That's all I'm saying
This conversation has been terminated!
OK RAIN MAN 100 dollllaaarrrsss, um yep, i'd say 100 dollllaaarrrsss
That's either a very bad smell or a REALLY good cheese!
You're a world class wanker.
You're kinda going..
that's worse than hitler
what seems to be the officer,.... problem......
Well, I can give you nectar points
I didn't know Iceland. did clothing
Is there anything on the internet that you can't masturbate to
Congratulations on passing your test..you have HIV
Are you from Narnia
A Mr. Ji Had called..He said its time.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
Well techically I do have a fucking disability..fucking Tourettes! Now go fuck yourself you
c*nt!
Don't knock sex with old people. They are more experienced and they will tidy your room and make
you dinner afterwards
How many? 100 million thousand million
Manchester City have sold Shaun Wright-Phillips to Madonna
Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your
dick...Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started.
Your girlfriend thinks you have the biggest cock she has ever seen yes. Because she's only 11
brought to you by Powergen
giggdy giggdy,..back in the game
Vegetarians..If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of meat
I'll tell you what's ironic to see a group of pro-lifers throwing eggs at an abortion clinic
A man goes into a library and says to the librarian, 'Hello, I'd like to get a book on suicide?'
to which the librarian responds 'no, fuck off you! I know you won't bring it back.'
Statsistics can be used to prove anything. Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang
rape!
Statsistics can be used to prove anything. 64% of people know that
Here, listen Fritzl..take it easy
You're unusually busy for such a lazy cnut!
You're unusually nice for such a cnut!
He is hung like a horse..yeah, a sea horse
Josef Fritzil: Putting the 'semen' back into 'basement'.
You're about as much use as Anne Frank's drum kit.
There's more action in Anne Frank's diary
Anne Franke had a busier schedule than you mate
I had a German plumber round the other day to fix my shower. He accidentally connected the gas
supply to the water supply. I guess old habits die hard.
I woke up this morning early to a tap on my door.... Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
He takes pride in his appearance..yeah, gay pride!
Its for me. Yeah, gay men.
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the
windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, 'Don't
worry; that was an insect.' To which, her son replies, 'I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a
cock like that.'
Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez. It was
his naughty brother Dennis they were after.
sheep under his arm to wife - 'This is the pig I have sex with when your not well' - His wife
replies, 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.' To which he replies 'I wasn't talking to you'
I rang the Rape Advise hotline the other day..and get this, apparently its only for victims!
Priests/Paedophiles are fucking immature assholes
Its got real comedy value
Did you hear the alzheimer's joke about changing a lightbulb?...To get to the other side.
Why don't black people go on cruises? They're not falling for that one again.
I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance.So
I pushed her and she fell over.. Bad balance I told her. Very bad balance.
Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow but fuck me the
pass the parcel was quick..
Why??? Because Jesus told me to
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
How do you get a fat girl into bed? ..Its a piece of cake..if shes really fat a forklift
A man walks into a petrol station and says 'Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?' The lady behind
the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat,
you fat bitch.'
Its not you, its having to talk to you.
Jaysus, they look a bit tight..someone call the firebrigade, he's stuck
Two cannibals eating a clown.One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?'
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating
fireworks.They charged one and let the other one off.
Has the syphillis cleared up
He can't make it he is having his penis pierced
He can't make it he is going for a manicure
I remember in college I wass going to join the debating team but someone talked me out of it
I read somewhere that 10 out of 2 dyslexics don't believe in dog
Standing in the park today wondering why a frisbee appears larger the closer it gets...and then
it hit me!
When I was born they asked me if I wanted a long penis or a long memory..i forget my response
I hated math..i failed math so many times I cant even count
such an ugly kid...When he played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering him up
I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea, you never get the tea
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said,'Can you spare a few
minutes for cancer research?'' I said, 'All right, but I doubt we are going to get much done
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork..!!
Whens the last time you saw your cock?
I have mixed race parents. My dad prefers the 100 metres and my mum is Pakistani
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: I'd like a job please. The hardware store owner says:
We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus? The dog replies: What would the circus want with a
plumber
It's easy to distract fat/nick people. It's a piece of cake
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little
seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that
She has no knickers on..look at the dandruff on her shoes
He only has online friends - ladylover79 and sweetlips69
Do you-ah like-ah my-ah .. //Italian
Bros before hoes, bro
Do it!
Fat girl into bed, piece of cake
Stevie wonder didnt see the point
A big nail reuires a big hammer
Playing snooker with a rope
Its bad, like booing at the special olympics
That's how I roll dude
You have never had sex, not even with a catholic priest
Have you looked in the mirror lately mate
The beer tatstes ok but the barmaids a bit flat
Yah, I know
Provide a solution to a problem others didn’t even know existed
He practiced sex on his sister up until now
Job done mate!
Go hang out with your online friends
How do you explain this to your online girlfriend
In there like swimwear
George Michael just called, he wants you in the toilet in five!" )
Have you ever spoken to a girl without having to away your credit card details
The last time you touched female genitalia was when you born
See that, that you that is
You were treading water with lead boots on until I came over and rescued you mate
Take it easy there Jenna, you're not in stringfellows now
You ruined everything, but thats fine
I don't mind looking like a prick, but when you start..
I'm not telling you how to do your job but,..
Rest assured, your job is under no threat..
You can take the special needs chair
Statistically, 9 out of 10 people in a gang rape enjoyed it
I bet you she's a teabagger
Are you looking for a round house scissor kick to the head
Wow, you must produce a lot of milk
Why do you dress as if you work in the carphone warehouse
If I wanted your opinion I'd ask for it
it may be a choclate bar, but 9 times out of ten its a shit
porer-than-ghandi-cut throat
How is your Chlamydia problem going?
Is that a grizzly bear over there
Nice suit..how was court today
Hi-5. Am I right guys.Am I right
I have to do all this. What is this a marriage?!
Its like shit logs floating around a nice swimming pool
He's from the little bentcock area
Mate, I get taxed more than you earn
You know people have been killed for less
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand
i'd kill for a noble peace prize
Police siren -He won't sell many ice creams at that speed
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception
As I said before, I never repeat myself
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake
If I were a betting man I'd bet
Ding Ding!
Anyone who informs me how to .. will be rewarded!
You're wasting my minutes
I hear the circus is looking for a new clown
Its like a holding pen for the Jeremy kyle show
I have mixed race parents, my mother prefers the 100 metres and my fathers Ghanian
What's the matter robot, not have aenough RAM to process that
Bitch, please!
Would heI, he'd stab a baby for the chance
You're so far in the closet you're having adventures in Narnia.
I get so much action.. I need to grow a new d*ck
When I'm doing that , you'll be at home putting on your lipstick and your frilly little pink
dress
Its not you, its having to talk to you.
While I have your attention I'd like to take this time to talk to you about Jesus..He was
actually born on Christmas and died 3 months later exactly on Easter, what are the chances of that
Eh ok, Pontius Pilot!
They just don't go..Its like an Amish lad that works in IT
She did more sucking than Lewinsky. Hey, slow down there Lewinsky
Check out Hannibal Lector! Well hello Clarece its good to see you again
That was a really funny story man..do you have time to tell me again!
So long suckers!
Not with that attitude you wont
Holy Shit, Is that a grizzly bear!
Could you stop now. Youre boring me
Check out mooseknucle over there!
Yeah about 0.0%
Why dont you tell someone who cares
You dont want to go too close, you might get pulled in by his sexual tractor beam
listen penis breath
Your husband is a lucky man
OK, you are boring me now
Do you have to be at a reunion for the McDickhead Clan or somethin
That's how you lost your job at greggs bakery
That's how you lost your job at morissons
his favorite movie is, clitty, clitty bang bang
if you could lower your voice to just below mute, that would be great
I think I should send you back to Diplomacy school
When somebody more intelligent and better looking than you should have more respect
There's a party in my pants and you are on the guest list..you made the cut, well done
Computer says nahohh
I have many more. I'll educate you one day, but you are not ready yet. You'll know when you
are.
well statistically speaking you are more likely to die from a piano falling on your head
Those types of skills just can't be thought
why dont we ask the internet
It would be a lie to pretend I was massively dissapointed
I sure havent
that joke, why dont you email it to me
even steve hawkins would struggle
I must say I find you very sexually attractive
ok, yoda
can u mind not standing so close in case your titties explode
ok, jabah da hut
ginger pubes, fire in the hole
He's got Star Trek Wallpaper I bet
He's a member of the star trek chess society
State your agenda
Yeah, we are going to get t-shirts made
Would it be rude for me to call you a cnut
Would it be rude for me to just leave
Not with that attitude you wont
___ is for losers
youre not taking the looser cruiser are you!?
Its game over, end of the line
he is something of a BIKE-sexual
As soon as he arrived, then came the boyfriend drop
You know I may be away that day
I was on auto-pilot
Ok, back to work mode
Those good folks over at ___
Hes pretty much achieved all his life goals now
El Zilcho!
She was eating a big tub of butter
Its so hot, the butter in my pocket is melting
so I was feeding the pony right
Its like having a white manin the 100M final or a Black olympic swimmer..not gonna happen!
That reminds me, How are the anger management classes working out for you?
George Michael just called, he wants his shirt/jeans/shoes back
He's a sex tourist
Who's your mate???
Its a penis party in there
He sprinkles glitter on his penis and dances around his apartment
We are now just mocking a disability
Unfortunately, I think there is very little we can do to help you
When I said I was a positive person I meant HIV
I'd rather wank off a dog to be honest
He got so excited a little bit of wee came out
Was that a euphemism
It was a cartoon spinning on the spot
There was a cartoon trail of smoke
That was a cartoon laugh/cough
That was a comedy laugh/cough
Kaaahh lick
zzzzzzzuuummmm...'next!'
Have you always been a cock or did you have to take classes for that. A+ I bet, top of the
class
Take it easy there Ghandi
Who are your friends???
He's so cheap it kills him to breath out
Your knees and throat must be sore after all that
Unsubscribe
Exit signs..... they're on the way out..
I haven't slept for 10 days...that would be far too long
slow down their eminiem, no need to rap it to me
It says here it will be 12 Microsoft minutes, that could be several years
i want your privates and my privates to do a hi-5
WHY would you do that
he's the fluffer
thats remarkably honest for such a liar
you did what now..
dont have me give you an uppercut in the eye
yeah Thursday, you know the day before friday and after Wednesday
yeah 9, you know the number before 10 and after 8
welcome to the club..wait it says here youve been a member since 1995
she is so fat the japense have been patrolling outside..they think she may be a whale
take it easy punk
you greedy little gobblin
alright ebeneezer
you know that is like stealling
it couldn't have happened to a nicer person..
I see what you are trying to do there..
whos your friend
fo shizzzlleee
my powers persuasion have failed me, damn you magic ring
hey there truth witholder
when i said i was a positive person, i meant HIV
that can be arranged
thanks, i'm going to treat you to a cup of coffee
alright fluffer, how you bin?
slow down there hammer, i'm not chinese
its hammer time
take it easy SA
its not that kind of party buddy
dude, what the fook
yeah sure felatio, sure
place was full of vampires
all the serial killers are out tonight
listen sex offender ..
who's the sex tourist
did u video tape that shit
its gravy baby..
its rick james, biiihhhttcchh
slown down hammer
listen punk
little dweeb
that's how I roll.
he's a premature ejaculator, thats what he is
I'm just sayin, ..
you need to blow your nose, you got some serious bats in the cave
the closest you have been to a girl is smelling my fingers mate
best get him a stab vest
I have hoes in different area codes
in your face ___o
it was like he was planning the invasion of communist cuba
even Jason Bourne would have struggled
if killing yourself was free, he'd kill himself
he is so mean he refuses to breath out
Thank you andddddd good night
BAM, BAM BAM, BAM
well done, youve narrowed it down to more than half
have you been intercepting my mail
eh, not likely
commence the biginator
Big pimpin'
..I personally believe, like such as, the Iraq & the South Africa!
Bender: Fry, of all the friends I've had... you're the first..
a woman like that you gotta romance first!
Only 3 days, thats like almost tomorrow!
Maybe 5 bucks would refresh my memory..
Well I think you are underreacting..
well, There's a lesson here for all of us..
lies make baby Jsesus cry
i'll never get that time back again
thats almost a compliment
its made from kangaroo scrotum
i don't have a problem do you have a problem
but unfortunately I had grumpy with me?
but the world is not going to end tomorrow is it
would u say she works the pole?
I actually had more..but go ahead!
opening with a joke might have helped
do you want me to lie?
i won't let the truth get in the way of a good story, carry-on
its a feature not a problem
come on anchor
tramp stamp
peasantvision
just checking my spam
smellcheck my clothes
stripper wallet
clicking teeth
I'd be STUPID NOT to
Oh, how selfish of me. Lets do all the things you want to do..
They've done studies, you know...
It's a formidable scent... It stings the nostrils. In a good way..
You are a smelly pirate hooker..
Why don't you go back to your home on Whore/Gay Island? ..
I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you
don't, send it right back. I want to be on you...
I'm kind of a big deal. .. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich
mahogany...
Sky rockets in flight / Afternoon delight...
We lost a lot of good men out there..
I'm very aroused right now..
Jesus, Focker. It's just a game..
Does somebody need a hug?..
Pressure's for tyres..
I no longer puke when I drink. I puke when I don't..
And who are you, Alan Einstein?..
Hi... not you... hi..
Thats 7 minutes of my life that I'm never going to get back..
You don't not hear me complaning.
I'm not allowed to ... court order
It's very homo-erotic
I’ve seen lines move faster in a sperm bank
Its a criminal offence to..
I guess you worded it differently though..
School of Cokc But it stars Jack Black Cokc..
it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore
I knew there was an important piece of information to mention..
Fake!
Terrible service around here
Ok Molly Menopause
Ah ok, so that explains the..
oooooohhhh
well, wup dee doooo
Thank you. We are all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
Ahhh...I see the know-it-all fairy has visited us again.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
Do I look like a people person?
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
Oh I get it... like a joke... but less funny.
You’re as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit
He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician
As funny as a burning orphanage
I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes
She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn
Sweatin' like a pedophile in a Barney suit
A mickey the size of a 2 litre bottle of coke
Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche
Mother Teresa wouldn’t kiss her with gloves on
A sniper wouldn't take her out
Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle
If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one
She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked piss off a nettle
She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede
If I'd a garden full of Mickey’s I wouldn't let her look over the wall
My made up friends, made up sister..
Yes, I do accept cheques..
That's the saltiest thing I ever tasted, and I once ate a big heaping bowl of salt.
Too much work. Let's we burn it and *say* we dumped it in the sewer.
That's what she said. Whooooo!
Brannigan's law is like Brannigan's love - hard and fast.
Oh, I always feared he would run off like this. Why? WHY? WHY didn't I break his legs?
Fry, of all the friends I've had... you're the first.
Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her during the commercial.
You can't keep blaming yourself, Marge. Just blame yourself once and get on with life.
You can't spell'dishonest'without'honest'
You help me, and I, in turn,I am helped by you!
That's the last time I trust the strangest people on Earth.
Once the sun goes down, all the weirdoes turn crazy!
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!
I hope I didn't brain my damage.
what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
probably the best person I know
Gaaawwwwwsssshhhhhh
it was fine til you came in
you are entitled to your opinion but its wrong
You can't keep blaming yourself.Just blame yourself once and get on with life.
Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 72% percent of people know that.
If I'm laughing at what I think I am, it's very funny...
what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
if by _ you mean __ then _ then i know what you mean
you would need to be an astrophysicist..
Really. Is there anything the internet cannot do?
How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb? Ah come will ya.. It's noh dat darrrk!
No Karol is not a girls name...People with low IQs and Dyslexia always make that mistake, don't feel embarrassed..
Friday, 4 June 2010
Hammer Homicide
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
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