PG

I would hate to embarrass you . .

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.

DUDE. YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO FART TO COVER UP THE SMELL OF SWEAT

ITS NOT ROCKET SURGERY!

I'M ABOUT 112% SURE. DUDE.


I DON'T COME DOWN TO YOUR MOM's STRIP CLUB AND TELL HER HOW TO DO HER JOB

I WILL ACTUALLY STAB YOU IF YOU DO

HE WOULD ACTUALLY STAB A BABY

IT DOESNT WORK ON TUESDAYS! OR WHEN THERE IS A FULL MOON.


Oh, Im Sorry For Talking While Your Trying To Interupt Me!!!!!

I CANT NOT NOT WIN

HE HAS GONE FISHING ON BROKE BACK MOUNTAIN

VERY GOOD!

She's got a face made for radio


Show me the law that says I can't

That went done like a lead balloon


That 'girllll'. Was she pre or post op?

Have you been eating shit?

Eh, so whats your favourite flavour of crisps

What is the pull-through potential

well done, you're learning

hello sugar puff!

he's not homeless he's just moving!

hello honey bunny!

Listen dork!

Listen dweeb

Eh OK, Right Said Fred

Listen jerk-Off

Ok Geek. Should I log a ticket?

Oh this. This here. This is my medal..

did it hurt when they removed your brain?

Why did I do that? Jesus told me to

Everything time you do that Jesus kills a small child

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else

Oh this. My reward for spanking your mother with a hairbrush

I'll take your most expensive thing mixed with your second most expensive thing!

Pllinggg! Idea!

as a kid I wanted to be a butcher.... but the steaks were too high

Your handy work I imagine?

Training gets Harder every week but its Money in the BANK COME SUNDAY MORN

For fcuk sake. I'm not running for Jesus..

Infact. Its frowned upon if you DON'T

ZZZIINNNGGGGG!

Best Valentines line? if i was dog and you were a flower i'd lift my leg and give you a shower




Ah, yeah very good..I like what you did there..very good. a joke.

Use your mate...I'm sure you'll get a nice hollow sound

Jaysus, you're a MASTER DEBATOR, you know that

the master of disaster

Don't make out like I'M the crazy one

Its filed in my comedy folder

Eh OK, yes Grandad!

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Smell? Maybe its because your mouth is too close to your nose

Ask grumpy over there

did you make that up yourself, very good mate very good..

Wounded mate, wounded

Forrest Hump

Tight as a flea's gash...refuses to splash tha cash

Listen DOUCHE BAG!

Such hateful material

Are you a doctor? Then you are not exactly a credible source are you?

More powerful than Jordan's vibrator

Inspect Her Gadget

Weapons of ass destruction

Cum And Cummer

Chitty Chitty Gang Bang

Clitty Clitty Bang Bang

Charlie's Anals

Big Trouble In Little Vagina


Eh OK, yes Hitler, anything else, shower some Jews maybe!

That's either an extremely good cheese or a very bad smell!

You've got 2 more chances to speak about your pain in the ___ before I smack you in the face.

Use them wisely.

You've only got one question left. use it wisely punk.

There's a Muslim paedophile living under your child's bed. Vote Conservative

Don't knock sex with old people. They are more experienced and they will tidy your room and make

you dinner afterwards

Everytime you open your mouth, you prove your an idiot!

Thanks for your input there John

Is it GAy DAy or something today

that was a beautiful song......until you fucking sang it

Excuses are like assholes, Taylor. Everybody's got one.

They have found dinosaur fossils younger than Norman!

WTF! That is against nature!

I got bruises on top of my bruises.

When she was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped her mother...whih tish

if I had feelings they'd be hurt right now

Because, Every time I fuck your sister she gives me a biscuit!

Yea, But Your Moma Likes It and that's all that matters to me

That's all I've got on that one!

My gran loves that...only joking she's dead!

You should have been aborted do you know that

she looks like a lesbian jockey

can i get the cash equivalent

That's all I'm saying

This conversation has been terminated!

OK RAIN MAN 100 dollllaaarrrsss, um yep, i'd say 100 dollllaaarrrsss

That's either a very bad smell or a REALLY good cheese!

You're a world class wanker.

You're kinda going..

that's worse than hitler

what seems to be the officer,.... problem......


Well, I can give you nectar points

I didn't know Iceland. did clothing

Is there anything on the internet that you can't masturbate to


Congratulations on passing your test..you have HIV

Are you from Narnia

A Mr. Ji Had called..He said its time.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Well techically I do have a fucking disability..fucking Tourettes! Now go fuck yourself you

c*nt!

Don't knock sex with old people. They are more experienced and they will tidy your room and make

you dinner afterwards

How many? 100 million thousand million

Manchester City have sold Shaun Wright-Phillips to Madonna

Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your

dick...Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started.

Your girlfriend thinks you have the biggest cock she has ever seen yes. Because she's only 11

brought to you by Powergen

giggdy giggdy,..back in the game


Vegetarians..If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of meat

I'll tell you what's ironic to see a group of pro-lifers throwing eggs at an abortion clinic

A man goes into a library and says to the librarian, 'Hello, I'd like to get a book on suicide?'

to which the librarian responds 'no, fuck off you! I know you won't bring it back.'

Statsistics can be used to prove anything. Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang

rape!

Statsistics can be used to prove anything. 64% of people know that

Here, listen Fritzl..take it easy

You're unusually busy for such a lazy cnut!

You're unusually nice for such a cnut!

He is hung like a horse..yeah, a sea horse


Josef Fritzil: Putting the 'semen' back into 'basement'.

You're about as much use as Anne Frank's drum kit.

There's more action in Anne Frank's diary

Anne Franke had a busier schedule than you mate

I had a German plumber round the other day to fix my shower. He accidentally connected the gas

supply to the water supply. I guess old habits die hard.

I woke up this morning early to a tap on my door.... Funny sense of humour my plumber has.

He takes pride in his appearance..yeah, gay pride!

Its for me. Yeah, gay men.

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the

windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, 'Don't

worry; that was an insect.' To which, her son replies, 'I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a

cock like that.'

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez. It was

his naughty brother Dennis they were after.

sheep under his arm to wife - 'This is the pig I have sex with when your not well' - His wife

replies, 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.' To which he replies 'I wasn't talking to you'

I rang the Rape Advise hotline the other day..and get this, apparently its only for victims!

Priests/Paedophiles are fucking immature assholes

Its got real comedy value

Did you hear the alzheimer's joke about changing a lightbulb?...To get to the other side.

Why don't black people go on cruises? They're not falling for that one again.

I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance.So

I pushed her and she fell over.. Bad balance I told her. Very bad balance.

Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow but fuck me the

pass the parcel was quick..

Why??? Because Jesus told me to

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

How do you get a fat girl into bed? ..Its a piece of cake..if shes really fat a forklift

A man walks into a petrol station and says 'Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?' The lady behind

the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat,

you fat bitch.'

Its not you, its having to talk to you.

Jaysus, they look a bit tight..someone call the firebrigade, he's stuck

Two cannibals eating a clown.One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating

fireworks.They charged one and let the other one off.

Has the syphillis cleared up

He can't make it he is having his penis pierced

He can't make it he is going for a manicure

I remember in college I wass going to join the debating team but someone talked me out of it

I read somewhere that 10 out of 2 dyslexics don't believe in dog

Standing in the park today wondering why a frisbee appears larger the closer it gets...and then

it hit me!

When I was born they asked me if I wanted a long penis or a long memory..i forget my response

I hated math..i failed math so many times I cant even count

such an ugly kid...When he played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering him up

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea, you never get the tea

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said,'Can you spare a few

minutes for cancer research?'' I said, 'All right, but I doubt we are going to get much done

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork..!!

Whens the last time you saw your cock?

I have mixed race parents. My dad prefers the 100 metres and my mum is Pakistani

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: I'd like a job please. The hardware store owner says:

We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus? The dog replies: What would the circus want with a

plumber

It's easy to distract fat/nick people. It's a piece of cake

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little

seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that

She has no knickers on..look at the dandruff on her shoes

He only has online friends - ladylover79 and sweetlips69

Do you-ah like-ah my-ah .. //Italian

Bros before hoes, bro

Do it!

Fat girl into bed, piece of cake

Stevie wonder didnt see the point

A big nail reuires a big hammer

Playing snooker with a rope

Its bad, like booing at the special olympics

That's how I roll dude

You have never had sex, not even with a catholic priest

Have you looked in the mirror lately mate

The beer tatstes ok but the barmaids a bit flat

Yah, I know

Provide a solution to a problem others didn’t even know existed

He practiced sex on his sister up until now

Job done mate!

Go hang out with your online friends

How do you explain this to your online girlfriend

In there like swimwear

George Michael just called, he wants you in the toilet in five!" )

Have you ever spoken to a girl without having to away your credit card details

The last time you touched female genitalia was when you born

See that, that you that is

You were treading water with lead boots on until I came over and rescued you mate

Take it easy there Jenna, you're not in stringfellows now

You ruined everything, but thats fine

I don't mind looking like a prick, but when you start..

I'm not telling you how to do your job but,..


Rest assured, your job is under no threat..

You can take the special needs chair

Statistically, 9 out of 10 people in a gang rape enjoyed it


I bet you she's a teabagger

Are you looking for a round house scissor kick to the head

Wow, you must produce a lot of milk

Why do you dress as if you work in the carphone warehouse

If I wanted your opinion I'd ask for it

it may be a choclate bar, but 9 times out of ten its a shit

porer-than-ghandi-cut throat

How is your Chlamydia problem going?

Is that a grizzly bear over there

Nice suit..how was court today

Hi-5. Am I right guys.Am I right


I have to do all this. What is this a marriage?!


Its like shit logs floating around a nice swimming pool



He's from the little bentcock area

Mate, I get taxed more than you earn
You know people have been killed for less
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand
i'd kill for a noble peace prize
Police siren -He won't sell many ice creams at that speed
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception
As I said before, I never repeat myself
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake

If I were a betting man I'd bet

Ding Ding!

Anyone who informs me how to .. will be rewarded!

You're wasting my minutes

I hear the circus is looking for a new clown

Its like a holding pen for the Jeremy kyle show

I have mixed race parents, my mother prefers the 100 metres and my fathers Ghanian

What's the matter robot, not have aenough RAM to process that

Bitch, please!

Would heI, he'd stab a baby for the chance

You're so far in the closet you're having adventures in Narnia.

I get so much action.. I need to grow a new d*ck

When I'm doing that , you'll be at home putting on your lipstick and your frilly little pink

dress

Its not you, its having to talk to you.

While I have your attention I'd like to take this time to talk to you about Jesus..He was

actually born on Christmas and died 3 months later exactly on Easter, what are the chances of that

Eh ok, Pontius Pilot!

They just don't go..Its like an Amish lad that works in IT

She did more sucking than Lewinsky. Hey, slow down there Lewinsky


Check out Hannibal Lector! Well hello Clarece its good to see you again

That was a really funny story man..do you have time to tell me again!

So long suckers!

Not with that attitude you wont

Holy Shit, Is that a grizzly bear!

Could you stop now. Youre boring me

Check out mooseknucle over there!

Yeah about 0.0%

Why dont you tell someone who cares

You dont want to go too close, you might get pulled in by his sexual tractor beam

listen penis breath

Your husband is a lucky man

OK, you are boring me now


Do you have to be at a reunion for the McDickhead Clan or somethin


That's how you lost your job at greggs bakery


That's how you lost your job at morissons

his favorite movie is, clitty, clitty bang bang

if you could lower your voice to just below mute, that would be great


I think I should send you back to Diplomacy school

When somebody more intelligent and better looking than you should have more respect

There's a party in my pants and you are on the guest list..you made the cut, well done

Computer says nahohh

I have many more. I'll educate you one day, but you are not ready yet. You'll know when you

are.

well statistically speaking you are more likely to die from a piano falling on your head

Those types of skills just can't be thought

why dont we ask the internet

It would be a lie to pretend I was massively dissapointed

I sure havent

that joke, why dont you email it to me

even steve hawkins would struggle I cant do this

I must say I find you very sexually attractive

ok, yoda

can u mind not standing so close in case your titties explode

ok, jabah da hut

ginger pubes, fire in the hole


He's got Star Trek Wallpaper I bet


He's a member of the star trek chess society

State your agenda

Yeah, we are going to get t-shirts made


Would it be rude for me to call you a cnut

Would it be rude for me to just leave


Not with that attitude you wont

___ is for losers


youre not taking the looser cruiser are you!?


Its game over, end of the line

he is something of a BIKE-sexual



As soon as he arrived, then came the boyfriend drop


You know I may be away that day

I was on auto-pilot

Ok, back to work mode


Those good folks over at ___

Hes pretty much achieved all his life goals now

El Zilcho!

She was eating a big tub of butter


Its so hot, the butter in my pocket is melting


so I was feeding the pony right


Its like having a white manin the 100M final or a Black olympic swimmer..not gonna happen!


That reminds me, How are the anger management classes working out for you?



George Michael just called, he wants his shirt/jeans/shoes back

He's a sex tourist



Who's your mate???


Its a penis party in there


He sprinkles glitter on his penis and dances around his apartment


We are now just mocking a disability



Unfortunately, I think there is very little we can do to help you



When I said I was a positive person I meant HIV


I'd rather wank off a dog to be honest


He got so excited a little bit of wee came out


Was that a euphemism


It was a cartoon spinning on the spot

There was a cartoon trail of smoke

That was a cartoon laugh/cough

That was a comedy laugh/cough


Kaaahh lick

zzzzzzzuuummmm...'next!'


Have you always been a cock or did you have to take classes for that. A+ I bet, top of the

class


Take it easy there Ghandi


Who are your friends???

He's so cheap it kills him to breath out

Your knees and throat must be sore after all that

Unsubscribe

Exit signs..... they're on the way out..

I haven't slept for 10 days...that would be far too long


slow down their eminiem, no need to rap it to me


It says here it will be 12 Microsoft minutes, that could be several years


i want your privates and my privates to do a hi-5

WHY would you do that

he's the fluffer

thats remarkably honest for such a liar

you did what now..

dont have me give you an uppercut in the eye

yeah Thursday, you know the day before friday and after Wednesday


yeah 9, you know the number before 10 and after 8

welcome to the club..wait it says here youve been a member since 1995

she is so fat the japense have been patrolling outside..they think she may be a whale



take it easy punk


you greedy little gobblin


alright ebeneezer


you know that is like stealling


it couldn't have happened to a nicer person..

I see what you are trying to do there..

whos your friend

fo shizzzlleee


my powers persuasion have failed me, damn you magic ring


hey there truth witholder


when i said i was a positive person, i meant HIV

that can be arranged


thanks, i'm going to treat you to a cup of coffee


alright fluffer, how you bin?


slow down there hammer, i'm not chinese


its hammer time


take it easy SA


its not that kind of party buddy


dude, what the fook

yeah sure felatio, sure


place was full of vampires


all the serial killers are out tonight


listen sex offender ..


who's the sex tourist


did u video tape that shit


its gravy baby..


its rick james, biiihhhttcchh

slown down hammer

listen punk

little dweeb

that's how I roll.


he's a premature ejaculator, thats what he is


I'm just sayin, ..

you need to blow your nose, you got some serious bats in the cave


the closest you have been to a girl is smelling my fingers mate


best get him a stab vest


I have hoes in different area codes

in your face ___o

it was like he was planning the invasion of communist cuba


even Jason Bourne would have struggled


if killing yourself was free, he'd kill himself


he is so mean he refuses to breath out

Thank you andddddd good night

BAM, BAM BAM, BAM

well done, youve narrowed it down to more than half

have you been intercepting my mail

eh, not likely

commence the biginator

Big pimpin'

..I personally believe, like such as, the Iraq & the South Africa!

Bender: Fry, of all the friends I've had... you're the first..

a woman like that you gotta romance first!


Only 3 days, thats like almost tomorrow!


Maybe 5 bucks would refresh my memory..

Well I think you are underreacting..

well, There's a lesson here for all of us..

lies make baby Jsesus cry

i'll never get that time back again

thats almost a compliment

its made from kangaroo scrotum

i don't have a problem do you have a problem

but unfortunately I had grumpy with me?

but the world is not going to end tomorrow is it

would u say she works the pole?

I actually had more..but go ahead!

opening with a joke might have helped

do you want me to lie?

i won't let the truth get in the way of a good story, carry-on

its a feature not a problem

come on anchor

tramp stamp

peasantvision

just checking my spam

smellcheck my clothes

stripper wallet

clicking teeth

I'd be STUPID NOT to

Oh, how selfish of me. Lets do all the things you want to do..

They've done studies, you know...

It's a formidable scent... It stings the nostrils. In a good way..

You are a smelly pirate hooker..

Why don't you go back to your home on Whore/Gay Island? ..

I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you

don't, send it right back. I want to be on you...

I'm kind of a big deal. .. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich

mahogany...

Sky rockets in flight / Afternoon delight...

We lost a lot of good men out there..

I'm very aroused right now..

Jesus, Focker. It's just a game..

Does somebody need a hug?..

Pressure's for tyres..

I no longer puke when I drink. I puke when I don't..

And who are you, Alan Einstein?..

Hi... not you... hi..

Thats 7 minutes of my life that I'm never going to get back..

You don't not hear me complaning.

I'm not allowed to ... court order

It's very homo-erotic

I’ve seen lines move faster in a sperm bank

Its a criminal offence to..

I guess you worded it differently though..

School of Cokc But it stars Jack Black Cokc..

it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore

I knew there was an important piece of information to mention..

Fake!

Terrible service around here

Ok Molly Menopause

Ah ok, so that explains the..

oooooohhhh

well, wup dee doooo

Thank you. We are all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

Ahhh...I see the know-it-all fairy has visited us again.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

Do I look like a people person?

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

Oh I get it... like a joke... but less funny.

You’re as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit

He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician

As funny as a burning orphanage

I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes

She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn

Sweatin' like a pedophile in a Barney suit

A mickey the size of a 2 litre bottle of coke

Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche

Mother Teresa wouldn’t kiss her with gloves on

A sniper wouldn't take her out

Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle

If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one

She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked piss off a nettle

She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede

If I'd a garden full of Mickey’s I wouldn't let her look over the wall

My made up friends, made up sister..

Yes, I do accept cheques..

That's the saltiest thing I ever tasted, and I once ate a big heaping bowl of salt.

Too much work. Let's we burn it and *say* we dumped it in the sewer.


That's what she said. Whooooo!

Brannigan's law is like Brannigan's love - hard and fast.

Oh, I always feared he would run off like this. Why? WHY? WHY didn't I break his legs?

Fry, of all the friends I've had... you're the first.

Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her during the commercial.

You can't keep blaming yourself, Marge. Just blame yourself once and get on with life.

You can't spell'dishonest'without'honest'

You help me, and I, in turn,I am helped by you!

That's the last time I trust the strangest people on Earth.

Once the sun goes down, all the weirdoes turn crazy!


I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!

I hope I didn't brain my damage.

what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

probably the best person I know

Gaaawwwwwsssshhhhhh

it was fine til you came in

you are entitled to your opinion but its wrong


You can't keep blaming yourself.Just blame yourself once and get on with life.


Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 72% percent of people know that.


If I'm laughing at what I think I am, it's very funny...

what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

if by _ you mean __ then _ then i know what you mean

you would need to be an astrophysicist..

Really. Is there anything the internet cannot do?

How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb? Ah come will ya.. It's noh dat darrrk!

No Karol is not a girls name...People with low IQs and Dyslexia always make that mistake, don't feel embarrassed..